Other Worldly

I was born into generational alcoholism in 1977, as the first born daughter to my parents, Doug and Sue Matz. My parents were adult children of alcoholics, not drinking but showing antisocial behaviors that were alcoholic.

It's hard to explain it if you've never had to deal with it before. But my parents did not drink. Their   parents did and so on. I believe incest and severe trauma was handed down, generation to generation.

It wasn't stopped with my parents because although they were religious, they lacked in tact, self discipline, clear thinking and laundry list. This was what I had to fully concede to as a child. Being taught to keep secrets, etc and getting my soul raped daily because of the serious boundary issues.

Depression came early for me and by the time I was five I hated myself and wanted to kill myself. This was also due to the fact that I was pinned by a car at two years old and then left in the ER alone after such a traumatic situation occurred. I believe this is truly why I suffered so much growing up. 

I didn't believe me family loved me and I had PTSD from the accident. At two. You cannot outgrow such a thing, you can only calm it. Before I was able to do that, I had to suffer for years and years with a broken soul. 

Because I wanted to be popular I made some bad choices. The people that were popular were vexatious towards me and I was treated like a dog most the time. 

This caused me to hate myself because I ruminated too much about it bringing me into this hell. I put on a good face every day tho, as all my morals and values became corrupted from lack of care. It was too scary to be my true God loving self, and so I was a people pleaser and committed to being in the spotlight. 

This robbed me of any self esteem I may of had and replaced it with shame. I was being shamed and then I shamed myself.

Eventually it led me to addictions and almost suicide. I'll never forget the feeling of wanting to actually kill myself and how grave that was for me. I would never wish it on anyone else. 

The partying shame and running from my problems was to be abandoned after high school. I thought I could stop partying to be able to go to school go back to church and fix myself. 

I found that I couldn't stop myself from drinking and so I ended up semi clinging to, yet separating from my friends. 

I hated them because of how they treated me and I wanted to get away from that and find myself asap. 

I did leave them, but not gracefully. I made a deal with myself that I would try to learn how to live while drinking. This perpetuated a long time getting adjusted to recovery due to my slips and relapses. 

I had also made a deal with myself that I would never let anyone see me doing things that wasn't allocated as cool. By doing this, I locked my heart away. For years I was mesmerized by this lie, that if I'm always cool..  that that means that I'm of worth. It was people pleasing still for the bullies that ran me into the ground. 

Although it was apart of my schema, I have not felt pressured to figure things out.  I gave myself space to explore my options, and I did.